Jul. 31st, 2010

LJ friend [info]kitwench  made a post today that spoke to me, and reminded me of one of my own personal relationship aphorisms: almost any two (or more *grin*) people of good will can "make it" in a relationship if they decide they will.

Now, neither Kit's post nor my own should be construed to mean that any one of you out there who left somebody for reasons "less" than her Big Three A's are somehow wrong--some folks won't do their share of the working things out, and everybody has a breaking point.  Those fall into the "decide to" part of my little thought.  When stuff gets sticky, sometimes one person doesn't pull along with everybody else, and if that sort of pattern persists, you get to decide when to cut the traces, no fault to you. 

But haven't you had friends who split for reasons that seemed too small--didn't you wonder why they couldn't find some way to work through the problem that broke them up?  Besides Kit's point about framing, about choosing where to look at when looking at the relationship, I think it's also important to remember that "love" is a choice we make, too.  It's part of the story we weave around our lives, part of how we look at ourselves, how we frame our thinking.

My Frog was many wonderful things, but he was also many less-than wonderful things, some of which might have been deal-breakers if they'd been all I saw when I looked at him--but what I saw was the man who picked me out of the crowd at a bowling alley one night, and kept looking, and decided that who I was was the person he wanted around him for a long, long time, who wanted me as I am (and I'm damned hard to take at times, and I know it)--and I chose to love him every time I looked at him.  It got to be automatic to come back to that same place, a habit I never wanted to break, but it was a choice, a decision.

It's the one I think folks forget, sometimes, when things are tough.  They think, perhaps, that love means never questioning whether you do love that guy (generically speaking) sleeping next to you;  'tain't true, dat.  You probably will wonder at times.  If you're lucky, you'll realize that the question isn't a death knell.  You'll realize that Life Happens, and sometimes it's not as easy as others to like your significant(s), and you'll work at finding a way to reconnect to the parts you like--the person you loved yesterday is still there (usually), and you don't have to turn your back because this morning sucks.

I suspect that if you're willing to keep finding reasons to love that guy, that guy will be willing to find ways to stay lovable--and of course, more willing to return the favor when you're the one being troublesome.  Surely you aren't the only perfect person in the world (besides my mother-in-law , that is.  *laugh*  That's what she always claimed whenever someone said "nobody's perfect" around her.).

Anyway, Kit may have found the secret to staying married--thanks for sharing, Kit!  *grin*



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